Baggage check

I was thinking about how we become who we are. How much is genetics? How much is the baggage our parents carried, maybe handed down from their parents? How much is random?How much was visited upon us by the actions of others? How much is because we walked through one door, and not another at one time or another in lives?

Hard to say. I can think of a few events that left indelible marks on me that were "big things", but a lot of who I am is because of the little things that left their mark. Of course my big thing might be your little thing and vice versa. I definitely look at back at moments when I took the left fork instead of the right and wonder what would have happened if I had gone the other way.

It's kind of a mindfuck, pardon my french. Because like the dot on the map on those rest stops on the parkway- I AM HERE. But all the same, I wonder. I fantasize, I play out scenarios in my head that could have been had I chosen differently. I know we're not supposed to talk about this. We're not supposed to say anything except "I love my life and am happy with all my choices.". But I don't care. I love my life, and I wonder too. Sue me.

When I was in high school, I had a desperate crush on a boy, and just one time, I had the opportunity to go out with him with a group of his friends. But I had prior plans, a dear friend's sweet sixteen. And at that time I was not yet a girl who would push aside her friend to get closer to a boy. I have wondered a million times what would have happened to me if I had blown off my friend's party, and gone out with this boy and his friends. Would it have changed my high school experience? Would it have changed who I am now? I don't know. Would I have turned out to be a different person? I think perhaps I might have - although whether or not that was for the better is a mystery. At the time I did what I thought was right, and I had to live with consequences. That's right folks, even doing the right thing has consequences. All our actions do. I wish I had known that before I was say, I don't know, 35.

My goal is to die with as few regrets as possible. And in this moment, I am happy to say I am not creating new ones. But I have some old ones that I have to live with, because there is no time machine, no magic dust, no spell to cast that will place me back in time to make a different choice. If there were, I don't think I'd be willing to gamble my present life. Its too precious. Too beautiful. Even with all its imperfection.

So I AM HERE. And my past is my past, and in this very moment I can choose to live any way I want. And if I were a gold fish, that would be awesome. Goldfish have something like a 30 second memory. That's why they are totally ok with living in those stupid bowls. Every thirty seconds is a new experience with no baggage, or so I imagine. The question becomes, for me, and I suppose for all of us, how do we make decisions without dragging around all our crap from our prior decisions like Jacob Marley and his chain of possessions? I guess my answer is, I try to act based on the principles that support my beliefs and not out of fear, or wanting to be seen a certain way. I try. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed. It would be easier to be a goldfish in that respect. However, that would mean I wouldn't remember anything good either, and I would never learn from my mistakes. And the way that life has touched me and moved me and shaped me would not really matter. And sometimes, it seems, the things that hurt the most, and sometimes still sting when called to mind are my greatest teachers, my greatest assets, my greatest tools.

At the end of the day, the goldfish has a kind of limited life. Whereas my life has taken me so many strange and wonderful places, and will continue to do so. I try not to bring all my baggage. But I'm an overpacker by nature, and it turns out sometimes I need that baggage, although most of the time I don't. I am who I am because of my baggage and despite it. You will define me by it or you won't. But I am here. And here is ok. In a minute ,I'll be moving on from here, so I'm going to try to enjoy it, baggage and all.