I was thinking about how we become who we are. How much is genetics? How much is the baggage our parents carried, maybe handed down from their parents? How much is random?How much was visited upon us by the actions of others? How much is because we walked through one door, and not another at one time or another in lives?
Hard to say. I can think of a few events that left indelible marks on me that were "big things", but a lot of who I am is because of the little things that left their mark. Of course my big thing might be your little thing and vice versa. I definitely look at back at moments when I took the left fork instead of the right and wonder what would have happened if I had gone the other way.
It's kind of a mindfuck, pardon my french. Because like the dot on the map on those rest stops on the parkway- I AM HERE. But all the same, I wonder. I fantasize, I play out scenarios in my head that could have been had I chosen differently. I know we're not supposed to talk about this. We're not supposed to say anything except "I love my life and am happy with all my choices.". But I don't care. I love my life, and I wonder too. Sue me.
When I was in high school, I had a desperate crush on a boy, and just one time, I had the opportunity to go out with him with a group of his friends. But I had prior plans, a dear friend's sweet sixteen. And at that time I was not yet a girl who would push aside her friend to get closer to a boy. I have wondered a million times what would have happened to me if I had blown off my friend's party, and gone out with this boy and his friends. Would it have changed my high school experience? Would it have changed who I am now? I don't know. Would I have turned out to be a different person? I think perhaps I might have - although whether or not that was for the better is a mystery. At the time I did what I thought was right, and I had to live with consequences. That's right folks, even doing the right thing has consequences. All our actions do. I wish I had known that before I was say, I don't know, 35.
My goal is to die with as few regrets as possible. And in this moment, I am happy to say I am not creating new ones. But I have some old ones that I have to live with, because there is no time machine, no magic dust, no spell to cast that will place me back in time to make a different choice. If there were, I don't think I'd be willing to gamble my present life. Its too precious. Too beautiful. Even with all its imperfection.
So I AM HERE. And my past is my past, and in this very moment I can choose to live any way I want. And if I were a gold fish, that would be awesome. Goldfish have something like a 30 second memory. That's why they are totally ok with living in those stupid bowls. Every thirty seconds is a new experience with no baggage, or so I imagine. The question becomes, for me, and I suppose for all of us, how do we make decisions without dragging around all our crap from our prior decisions like Jacob Marley and his chain of possessions? I guess my answer is, I try to act based on the principles that support my beliefs and not out of fear, or wanting to be seen a certain way. I try. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed. It would be easier to be a goldfish in that respect. However, that would mean I wouldn't remember anything good either, and I would never learn from my mistakes. And the way that life has touched me and moved me and shaped me would not really matter. And sometimes, it seems, the things that hurt the most, and sometimes still sting when called to mind are my greatest teachers, my greatest assets, my greatest tools.
At the end of the day, the goldfish has a kind of limited life. Whereas my life has taken me so many strange and wonderful places, and will continue to do so. I try not to bring all my baggage. But I'm an overpacker by nature, and it turns out sometimes I need that baggage, although most of the time I don't. I am who I am because of my baggage and despite it. You will define me by it or you won't. But I am here. And here is ok. In a minute ,I'll be moving on from here, so I'm going to try to enjoy it, baggage and all.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I Don't Know....No Really....I Don't
When I was young, maybe 10 or so, I really thought that my parents, and most adults, had it all figured out. Life, that is. They seemed confident, and sure they were right, and they talked and acted like whatever ideas or thoughts they had were right because they were adults.
Fast forward 30 years, and I'm an adult, with a family, and a job, and a home and responsibilities, and I don't know how things look from the outside of my life, but from the inside, I don't feel the way that I thought grown-ups looked like they felt when I was young. If no one else feels this way, then I just outed myself as some kind of nutcase. But my suspicion is that I'm not the only 40 year old walking around in her life feeling like a visitor to a distant planet. And I don't always like it here.
My parents and my teachers and the other adults in my family seemed convinced they were right, about just about everything. School, politics, fashion (I knew they had no clue about fashion- but they were convinced everything I wore was wrong), what I should study in college, what kind of man I should marry (ok- they were right about that!) , and then later, how I should raise my daughter. And even when I was old enough to have my own opinions, I still wavered, because others seemed more convinced. Not a little sure- not kinda sure- but really, truly and totally sure. At least that is what it looked like to me. The confidence that they all seemed to exude in their decisions was amazing to me. I was sure I'd be there by now.
As my daughter and her contemporaries like to say "FAIL". I don't feel confident the way I thought I would. And it seems every time I'm SURE I'm right, I'm not. I am confident in certain things, don't get me wrong. I could be a professional shopper for clothes and make up and shoes, and I can plan a hell of a vacation- but those are not the things that really matter. I feel confident that I know what I know, about my job, and certain areas of life. But I feel like a dilettante when it comes to really knowing about LIFE. Not laundry and cleaning and work, but LIFE- the really important part. The part where you always know what to do and say and how to feel. That part makes me feel like I'm 12 sometimes.
I'm a fairly perceptive person, or so I've been told and I definitely "see" people in a way that makes me able connect to them in a meaningful way when I want to. I often wonder if I see myself as clearly. I don't always trust my instincts, and it seems like more often than not, I should. One area where I feel particularly deficient is in the parenting department. Sometimes, I almost let my 14 year old convince me I'm wrong, and she's right. I don't know if that speaks to her charismatic way of manipulating things or my not being sure about what is best all the time. I want to be loving and encouraging and supportive but at the same time, I know there should be limits, and sometimes punishments, and its complicated and messy, especially for someone who really loves to be loved.
One of the things I am sure of without a doubt is that I don't know as much as I did at 20, or 30 and definitely much less than I did when I was a teenager. I know being right doesn't always make me happy, but I pursue it zealously anyway. I know that no real harm can come of making most mistakes, and that I learn more from those mistakes than I do from my triumphs. I know that life without laughter, love and chocolate can be kind of sad. I know music can change my whole day, and that a call, text, or email from a friend (close or far away) can re-connect me to the world in a way nothing else can. I know that when I smile, people smile back. And that that old adage about getting more flies with honey is true, but that sometimes you need to show people your claws so they don't think you're weak. I know I will survive parenting my teenage daughter, but some days it just doesn't feel that way. And I know that people are more alike than different, no matter what kind of package they come in. Most importantly....I know there's a lot, more than a lot in fact, that I don't know. What's cool is, from that place of not knowing, I can ask someone who does, or experiment and learn on my own, and its amazing...and wonderful and scary, but at least I don't live under the illusion that just because I've reached a certain chronological age or station in life, that I know everything. Because I just don't.
Fast forward 30 years, and I'm an adult, with a family, and a job, and a home and responsibilities, and I don't know how things look from the outside of my life, but from the inside, I don't feel the way that I thought grown-ups looked like they felt when I was young. If no one else feels this way, then I just outed myself as some kind of nutcase. But my suspicion is that I'm not the only 40 year old walking around in her life feeling like a visitor to a distant planet. And I don't always like it here.
My parents and my teachers and the other adults in my family seemed convinced they were right, about just about everything. School, politics, fashion (I knew they had no clue about fashion- but they were convinced everything I wore was wrong), what I should study in college, what kind of man I should marry (ok- they were right about that!) , and then later, how I should raise my daughter. And even when I was old enough to have my own opinions, I still wavered, because others seemed more convinced. Not a little sure- not kinda sure- but really, truly and totally sure. At least that is what it looked like to me. The confidence that they all seemed to exude in their decisions was amazing to me. I was sure I'd be there by now.
As my daughter and her contemporaries like to say "FAIL". I don't feel confident the way I thought I would. And it seems every time I'm SURE I'm right, I'm not. I am confident in certain things, don't get me wrong. I could be a professional shopper for clothes and make up and shoes, and I can plan a hell of a vacation- but those are not the things that really matter. I feel confident that I know what I know, about my job, and certain areas of life. But I feel like a dilettante when it comes to really knowing about LIFE. Not laundry and cleaning and work, but LIFE- the really important part. The part where you always know what to do and say and how to feel. That part makes me feel like I'm 12 sometimes.
I'm a fairly perceptive person, or so I've been told and I definitely "see" people in a way that makes me able connect to them in a meaningful way when I want to. I often wonder if I see myself as clearly. I don't always trust my instincts, and it seems like more often than not, I should. One area where I feel particularly deficient is in the parenting department. Sometimes, I almost let my 14 year old convince me I'm wrong, and she's right. I don't know if that speaks to her charismatic way of manipulating things or my not being sure about what is best all the time. I want to be loving and encouraging and supportive but at the same time, I know there should be limits, and sometimes punishments, and its complicated and messy, especially for someone who really loves to be loved.
One of the things I am sure of without a doubt is that I don't know as much as I did at 20, or 30 and definitely much less than I did when I was a teenager. I know being right doesn't always make me happy, but I pursue it zealously anyway. I know that no real harm can come of making most mistakes, and that I learn more from those mistakes than I do from my triumphs. I know that life without laughter, love and chocolate can be kind of sad. I know music can change my whole day, and that a call, text, or email from a friend (close or far away) can re-connect me to the world in a way nothing else can. I know that when I smile, people smile back. And that that old adage about getting more flies with honey is true, but that sometimes you need to show people your claws so they don't think you're weak. I know I will survive parenting my teenage daughter, but some days it just doesn't feel that way. And I know that people are more alike than different, no matter what kind of package they come in. Most importantly....I know there's a lot, more than a lot in fact, that I don't know. What's cool is, from that place of not knowing, I can ask someone who does, or experiment and learn on my own, and its amazing...and wonderful and scary, but at least I don't live under the illusion that just because I've reached a certain chronological age or station in life, that I know everything. Because I just don't.
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