I Don't Know....No Really....I Don't

When I was young, maybe 10 or so, I really thought that my parents, and most adults, had it all figured out. Life, that is. They seemed confident, and sure they were right, and they talked and acted like whatever ideas or thoughts they had were right because they were adults.

Fast forward 30 years, and I'm an adult, with a family, and a job, and a home and responsibilities, and I don't know how things look from the outside of my life, but from the inside, I don't feel the way that I thought grown-ups looked like they felt when I was young. If no one else feels this way, then I just outed myself as some kind of nutcase. But my suspicion is that I'm not the only 40 year old walking around in her life feeling like a visitor to a distant planet. And I don't always like it here.

My parents and my teachers and the other adults in my family seemed convinced they were right, about just about everything. School, politics, fashion (I knew they had no clue about fashion- but they were convinced everything I wore was wrong), what I should study in college, what kind of man I should marry (ok- they were right about that!) , and then later, how I should raise my daughter. And even when I was old enough to have my own opinions, I still wavered, because others seemed more convinced. Not a little sure- not kinda sure- but really, truly and totally sure. At least that is what it looked like to me. The confidence that they all seemed to exude in their decisions was amazing to me. I was sure I'd be there by now.

As my daughter and her contemporaries like to say "FAIL". I don't feel confident the way I thought I would. And it seems every time I'm SURE I'm right, I'm not. I am confident in certain things, don't get me wrong. I could be a professional shopper for clothes and make up and shoes, and I can plan a hell of a vacation- but those are not the things that really matter. I feel confident that I know what I know, about my job, and certain areas of life. But I feel like a dilettante when it comes to really knowing about LIFE. Not laundry and cleaning and work, but LIFE- the really important part. The part where you always know what to do and say and how to feel. That part makes me feel like I'm 12 sometimes.

I'm a fairly perceptive person, or so I've been told and I definitely "see" people in a way that makes me able connect to them in a meaningful way when I want to. I often wonder if I see myself as clearly. I don't always trust my instincts, and it seems like more often than not, I should. One area where I feel particularly deficient is in the parenting department. Sometimes, I almost let my 14 year old convince me I'm wrong, and she's right. I don't know if that speaks to her charismatic way of manipulating things or my not being sure about what is best all the time. I want to be loving and encouraging and supportive but at the same time, I know there should be limits, and sometimes punishments, and its complicated and messy, especially for someone who really loves to be loved.

One of the things I am sure of without a doubt is that I don't know as much as I did at 20, or 30 and definitely much less than I did when I was a teenager. I know being right doesn't always make me happy, but I pursue it zealously anyway. I know that no real harm can come of making most mistakes, and that I learn more from those mistakes than I do from my triumphs. I know that life without laughter, love and chocolate can be kind of sad. I know music can change my whole day, and that a call, text, or email from a friend (close or far away) can re-connect me to the world in a way nothing else can. I know that when I smile, people smile back. And that that old adage about getting more flies with honey is true, but that sometimes you need to show people your claws so they don't think you're weak. I know I will survive parenting my teenage daughter, but some days it just doesn't feel that way. And I know that people are more alike than different, no matter what kind of package they come in. Most importantly....I know there's a lot, more than a lot in fact, that I don't know. What's cool is, from that place of not knowing, I can ask someone who does, or experiment and learn on my own, and its amazing...and wonderful and scary, but at least I don't live under the illusion that just because I've reached a certain chronological age or station in life, that I know everything. Because I just don't.